Although it seems like it’s been a million years ago, when I first came to visit Germany with Stefan 11 years ago (before we even knew we’d ever be living over here) he gave me a little heads up about Germans and the way they greet each other.

When you first meet someone, a handshake is a standard greeting. Unless you’re in a big group and they’re pretty young — and then sometimes a wave will suffice.

But once you get to know them better, you will suddenly go from handshakes to kisses on both cheeks. Now I don’t mean planting big smooches on the cheek, but more like a society girl who bumps into a friend on the street and they make this gesture of putting their heads cheek-to-cheek, air kissing and then doing the other side. That’s how it works here in Germany as well.

When will the switch take place? It’s hard to say. Sometimes you will be introduced to someone and shake hands hello. You have a great time hanging out for a few hours and by the end of the evening when it’s time to say goodbyes, you realize you’ve been bumped up a notch and get the friendship kisses.

This is nearly only the level of going from Sie to Du with Germans — but still not quite the same. And it is rare but has been known to happen that when you meet someone for a business-related event, you shake hands hello. But at the end of the day end up with cheek kisses as you leave.Β  I’ve also made this transition back and forth with my dentist a few times. I’m pretty sure that seeing him at the sauna once and being in his office almost monthly while he rebuilt bone and fit me for an implant catapulted us to that more familiar greeting. But since it’s been a long while since I was last in his office, we’re probably back down to handshakes yet again.

Because you see, handshakes are very tricky. There are some people that I have now known for 11 years (mostly friends of the family but a couple of family members we rarely see), that I am never quite sure how to greet. I generally let the other person make the first move, being a foreigner and not wanting to overstep my boundaries, but sometimes I’m just all caught up in the kisses moment after having greeted everyone else in the room that way, and I clearly throw someone off (usually a guy) who thrusts out a hand as I lean in to give kisses.

Awkward silence. A few laughs and then we get on with the show. But there are also times when you will find that you’re both going in for the kisses, but instead of going in opposite directions, you end up going in the same direction. Head bumps, kisses on the lips and some rushed back and forth moments as you try to figure out who is zigging and who is zagging are very likely between the smiles and laughs.

If all this already seems a bit chaotic, let’s throw something else into the mix. A few people I know, actually skip the kisses altogether and go in for a hug. There are not many of them, and I have to admit that they are usually those that are American (obviously), have lived in America for a while or have become very Americanized because of American friends — but it does happen from time to time. It’s certainly nice to have those arm in arm hugs for a change because sometimes the kisses feel so light and superficial to me. But again, the hugs totally throw me off.

Maybe I just need to start keeping better notes of my friends that throw kinks into the plans. Of course now that they’re reading this, they’ll probably really try to confuse me! It’s certainly not the end of the world but it does make meeting new and old friends interesting!

Am I the only expat in Germany going through this confusion?