national-infertility-awareness-weekThis post is one of many that you will find throughout the week on No Ordinary Homestead about infertility, because this blog has been dedicated to National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30). This is being done to raise awareness on behalf of the millions of people, male and female, who have ever been infertile or are considered infertile today. If you or someone you know is dealing with fertility problems, you might enjoy Navigating the Land of IF — you can win a copy here this week.


Beginnings

Unlike many couples experiencing infertility issues my wife and I were lucky that we knew from the start the cause, and I was it.  I had been diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia.  In short my sperm count was effectively zero and I was infertile.  My diagnosis came six months before we were to be married and I was lucky she decided to stay with me as today we are the parents to two beautiful children conceived via the use of donor sperm.  The decision to use donor sperm was not an easy one now one made quickly.  But one which in the end worked but still has many implications yet to be seen.

Like any individual growing up I expected to someday to get married and eventually start a family. I never considered or even thought that I or my spouse would have infertility issues.  I certainly did not expect that I would be the one to bring such issues into a marriage.  All my life I had never felt or wanted anything more than to be a father. I loved my father so much and was proud to be his son as he was always so loving to my sister and I even when we were not the best kids.  He was no Mr. Cunningham but he was our dad and a role model.  We grew up to lots of hugs and kisses something we did not see in every other father and we felt lucky. I wanted to be a dad like that.  And then it hit me that I may never get that chance.

When we started to actively address my infertility it became clear quickly that despite the diagnosis of male factor infertility it was still my wife that underwent the majority of daily medical poking and prodding once we began a combined IVF – ICSI protocol.    For those not into the whole infertility alphabetic soup, ICSI is in short a procedure to retrieve sperm from the man via a biopsy and using that sperm to fertilize the eggs which will be implanted back into their partner’s womb.    Watching my wife undergo several typical IVF protocols was not easy and only deepened my own guilt.  The issue of using donor sperm was raised by my urologist and the endocrinologist as a back up plan in case no viable sperm were found within my testes.  We agreed hoping it would never to come to that point.

We underwent two full IVF – ICSI cycles where viable sperm were found and used fertilizing several eggs which never resulted in actual pregnancies.  Those “embryos” were the closest I ever came to being a biological parent.  I and my wife cried after each cycle ended with no success.  It was also painful as we saw other couples, not attempting ICSI or having male factor issues, able to attempt cycle after cycle, month after month, when we had to wait six months between these cycles as my body had to heal after each biopsy before we could try again.  It was after these failures we decided that using donor sperm was our only possible path.

 

Stepping into Donor Conception

What we did not realize and what we were not fully mentally able to comprehend, at this point, was that donor conception had its own issues, perhaps not medically to use, but issues nonetheless that the infertility medical community does not in my mind fully explore before pointing couples down this path.

We came to the decision that DI was the answer partly because my wife and I wanted to have as natural a child and pregnancy as possible. We wanted to have a biological connection, the ability to control the pregnancy and also for my wife to experience the joys (plus and minus) of a pregnancy and birth.  We began looking at DI as a sort of half-adoption.

Like most couples who come to donor conception, at least via DI, you begin on the cryobank websites suggested by your clinic, which may mean you are looking at cryobanks located across the country. In our case we ended using sperm from both California Cryobank and Fairfax.  We looked at donors that mirrored my background, looks, ethnically, religiously, medically, perhaps you try to improve medically, educationally perhaps etc.  I think our final donor was about the same medically as my own background but perhaps a bit smarter in some respects.

My children were each born healthy and today are great kids in elementary school. One born naturally via midwife the other a ceasarian section. Very different births to say the least.

 

Changing Focus from Infertilty to Issues of Donor Conception

Prior to birthing children conceived via IVF, much less deciding to use donor conception methods, the whole focus is on curing infertility, to creating a child.  Very little focus, comparatively is given to what using donor conception can mean mentally and socially to men like myself, our spouses, but also more importantly to the children and adults conceived via DI.  There are a number of related issues which cannot all be discussed in a single blog post but I will try to address a few.

In August 2005, we registered the kids on the Donor Sibling Registry finding that our kids had one half sibling out there.  That same month I started writing my blog Life as Dad to Donor Insemination Kids. One month after that the Yahoo Discussion Group DI Dads was created.  The Yahoo Group was created

“for dads whose children were conceived by donor insemination. It is not intended for the donors, but rather for the men who are actually raising or have raised children conceived by DI. The group is also for men who are considering with their spouses using donor insemination to create their families and are looking for information and support.”

What I have learned is that in essence donor conception never cures infertility but side steps it.  Children are conceived but now new issues come into play. Men, including myself, go through stages of guilt, fear, thoughts of being betrayed by their spouses, concerns of being rejected by their children, and general angst whether they will ever be thought of as real fathers.  Some of these thoughts apply to bio dads when children are born but others are unique to social dads like myself. Many find that once they are involved with feedings and diapers the natural parenting skills most of us have kick in and such fears evaporate. Others get stuck in the fears of feeling they are “not real men” as they could not father a child and their parenting may become infected by any combinations of these fears.  Because most heterosexual couples never openly discuss their use of donor insemination these men do not always find outlets to discuss their fears and concerns.

For most moms who opt to use donor insemination with their male spouses they tend to move on quickly and just want to put the use of DI behind them as a treatment and they don’t always see the issues affecting their spouses creating possible tension between the two unless they openly discuss the issues.

In truth, the use of donor conception methods affects the individuals created more than any other and the focus of all parties should be here.  Starting from the choice of a donor and the ramifications of the screening processes employed by the cryobanks allowing men to donate to whether the donor chosen is an open donor, anonymous donor, etc. the issues are numerous.  Donor conceived individuals may or may not care how they were conceived.  Some may never want to know more about their genetic and social past but others may want to know more.  Secrets are never a good thing and for some the issue of openness with their children becomes paramount.  Many of the issues that adoptees encounter mentally are similar to issues donor conceived individuals encounter or address in their lives.

Our own children were told very young how they came to be so it’s a normal part of who they are.  They are encouraged to ask questions. Certainly meeting their now two known half siblings they are fully aware that their conception story is a bit different than most of their peers.

The Donor Sibling Registry, again here in the US, has published The Guide to the World of Donor Conception which I highly recommend.  Aside from the DSR, there a number of organizations that exist around the world that have put out there a great number of resources to allow individuals thinking about donor conception to research the issues further and provide support for families and individuals created via donor conception.  In the UK, one great organization is the Donor Conception Network who have published a wonderful series of pamphlets titled Telling and Talking.

As I mentioned above addressing the many issues surrounding donor conception in a single blog post is near to impossible.  I can say that being a parent is a great experience and I try to be a good one every day but issues resulting from using donor insemination, can color our lives.  They in our case so far do not dominate our lives but recognizing the issues as part of our lives is key to understanding them and making our lives fuller because of them.